Greg on Gadgets, Girls, Games, and Ghetto Ish

Archive for November, 2010

I’m Back: Music Monday Time!

Alright I had to dip for a bit due to health concerns and whatnot, but I’m back. Now being gone, I have decided to switch up Music Monday a bit. Everyone likes to do it and put up their favorite song at the time. Nah, d–n that. I’m here solely to mess with you, and that I shall. So here’s my choice for MM.

 

Did you watch it? Good, I hope you did. Now this s–t will be stuck in your head for at least 24 hours, and good luck getting it out. You ever wonder why this song

got stuck in your head easily? Same d–n beat.

 

But seriously, someone explain to me the Gypsy Woman video. Only about 10 seconds of the video has anything to do with the song. Why are the two dudes with dreadlocks even dancing? The song is about a homeless woman. That’s nothing to dance about. Except for the time I made a homeless dude dance to B2K for a dollar, but that’s a separate story.

Then the floating hands? WTF? That song is ridiculous. Know why it was popular? It wasn’t the video, unless everyone was high. It was that catchy a– beat.Now you are cursed with it running through your head at random moments.

 

You are welcome.


DWB: Dumb White B—s 11/18

images

First of all, I’d like to give special recognition to one Alex Dresdner who told me yesterday, and I’m quoting him, “Put me in a DWB, whatever it takes.”

 

Best quotes of the week:

“It’s so cool that South Dakota and North Dakota were just named that way. Like its weird how that just worked out.”

“I get that you can make water into ice by freezing it, and you can make water from ice by melting it, but like doesn’t that mean that the law of conservation of mass doesn’t work?”

“I saw this great youtube video about a guy who teaches people how to remember stuff really good. I totally forgot what it was called though…”

 

What he said.


Pull My Cart

I was debating the other day about the value of whores with a female friend, who thought it was disreputable and “gross” of me to want to get some from a girl I had previously made fun of for being stupid and slutty. I used this analogy in my argument:

Let’s say you need a horse to pull your cart from point A to point B. Do you choose the strongest horse or the horse that works on a farm and therefore has a reputation of pulling carts regularly?

Farmer Joe gets his cart pulled on a daily basis.

She said that my logic was flawed since, according to her, they would be one and the same. I disagreed, stating that the stronger horse would require lots of effort to tame and break in before you could coerce it to pull your cart while the whorse (clever combination of whore and horse) would have been previously broken in, only requiring you to saddle up and steer. However, when the work of taming the strong horse finally paid off, it would do a better job of pulling the cart than the whorse.

Saddle up!

How do I figure the strong horse will do a better job? Well, if the taming/training is done right, the strong horse will appreciate the value of the task and accomplish it in a dignified manner, while the whore will treat pulling the cart as a regular activity.

Classy lady

My friend told me that while she disliked my logic, she understood and respected it. I ended the conversation with:

“Look, I have my whole life to look for a strong horse, but right now I just want to get my cart pulled to the watering hole.”

-CRYM


DWB: Dumb White B—hes 2

This is why I hate people

This week, a girl showed me a project she made for her geometry class. Beside the fact that the assignment was literally a scavenger hunt for shapes in the real world (derp), she managed to make it extra stupid with comically misspelled words (one page contained a field for the teacher’s “signiture”) and randomly pasted glitter numbers. However, one feat of idiocy in particular shocked me.

This DWB had labeled a picture of a stop sign: hexagon. If this doesn’t immediately cause you to groan in disappointment, I must in my limited (aka nonexistent) authority urge you to repeat grades 2 through 6, possibly 7 and 8 for good measure. Ladies and gentlemen, a common United States standard issue stop sign has eight sides. A hexagon has six sides. These numbers are neither equal nor interchangeable, and the same goes for the geometric shapes they correspond to.

This is why I hate people

When I corrected her, she didn’t believe me until I showed her an actual stop sign outside at which point she counted the sides by hand. What a DWB.

 

For reference purposes only (and strange geometry fetish porn)

What’s even worse is that of the 10 people I surveyed, only of them could tell me on their first guess what shape a stop sign is. Get me out of here…


Totally Random Tuesday

Hey, internet! In honor of Totally Random Tuesday, here is a list of assorted good things.

Movie: Law Abiding Citizen

One of my all-time favorites. LAC is about a man named Clive Shelton who has his life destroyed by heinous criminals, is betrayed by his legal council, and proceeds to exact elaborate, crazy revenge on everyone involved. The above clip is just a taste of the theme of the film, and I would highly recommend it to anyone who enjoys things that are cool.

Music: KRS-One and Buckshot- Survival Skills (album)

Sweet collaboration project between original rap legend KRS-One and relative newcomer Buckshot, bringing back hip-hop from its shallow grave with real lyrics and an old-school flow.

Game: Professor Layton

Professor Layton 3: The Unwound Future

Despite the cover looking a bit like a game for autistic Japanese children, the Layton series is a must-play for any DS-owning fan of puzzles, brilliant storylines, foreign film-type music and hand-drawn art. There are currently three games available in the US (Curious Village, Diabolical Box, and Unwound Future), all of which are puzzle game masterpieces.

Hope y’all enjoyed this totally improvised, Totally Random Tuesday.


Music Mondays

You know, I was talking to a woman, and she says I come off as some type of neo-soul renaissance man. I thought about it, and I think it may have to deal with the music I listen to. So here, today, I got some songs that are always in my rotation.

Electric Relaxation. Classic. That’s all I can say.

The beat to this song goes so hard to me. It’s easily in one of my top 10 songs beat wise.

This song still goes hard to me. Point blank.


Religion: The Big (Smelly) One

Ever since the first human began to wonder “where does all this s–t come from?”, people have been turning to religion for answers to questions to which they cannot find a real answer. Thankfully, much has been discovered in the ways of science and the world has lost some of its mystery. However, not everyone is on the side of reason, and people continue to place their faith in God/gods/L. Ron Hubbard/an airborne Italian entree, so I’m here to set the record straight.

 

I respect all religions equally (i.e. not at all)

*Note: I will only be discussing Judeochristian fallacy (phallicy, more like) as I have limited experience with other cultures thanks to the fact that I live in a quarantine-type Jewish community.

Part 1: The Old Testament

Written by nomadic, pastural sheepf–kers in the desert over 2000 years ago, the Hebrew bible (Torah) remarkably maintains a steady audience even in America, a decidedly developed nation. Aside from teaching morals or whatever those hebes are telling parents nowadays, it is essentially a collection of stories about an omnipresent but intangible, invisible, and undetectable man (yes, man; he is referred to as a king several times) who tells people to do unreasonable things to prove they love him and upon refusal, smites the bastards. This kind of behavior is more suited to a psychotic girlfriend than a benevolent deity. For example, God tells Abraham to kill his son, Isaac. Why? To test his faith. Incredibly, Abraham, the O.G. of sheepf–kers, obliges. He takes the kid to the top of a mountain, and as he is about to slaughter him like a sacrificial lamb, God yells from the heavens, “WTF are you doing, man?! You thought I was serious?!! Yo, angels, look at this a–hole, he was gonna do it!” or some divine equivalent. Abraham then goes home and continues to worship the figure that speaks to him but that nobody else can hear and not even he can see. If you ask me, that sounds more like schizophrenia than a holy presence.

 

Your local rabbi on his day off

Stay tuned for more of my sinful thoughts as well as interpreted (i.e. ruined & trashed) bible stories next week. Shabbat Shalom, sheepf–kers!

-CRYM



Breaking News: Dogs More Important Than Black Man

So, white people, we get it. Clearly dogs are more important than black people. We always suspected it, but now you have made it as a fact of law in this country. Now explain to me why you sit and wonder why terrorists want to blow us (and by us, I mean just yall, they know we are victims of circumstance) up? What are your excuses now? Is it still because they hate our freedom? Yes, I too also hate the freedom of white cops killing black people with no consequence but if a black man kills a dog he is running a criminal enterprise. I don’t think (or maybe it is, who knows) this was the freedom the founding fathers had in mind. Don’t believe this is the case? Let’s compare the two cases.

Crime: Michael Vick was convicted of fighting dogs. Dogs. People eat dogs in some countries. Explain to me why its okay to eat some animals but not others, to do f–ked up things like cut their heads off, but not others? Oh, that’s right, someone’s personal preference imposed upon everyone else. The problem with that is, people born into this country don’t agree with what some random dude says. If I love and adore monkeys, can I call the police on the zoo if I see monkeys fighting while people are watching? Nope, sure can’t.

Also, FYI. Dog meat? Delicious.

Crime: Shooting and unarmed black man accused of fighting on a train even thought EVERYONE present said he wasn’t fighting, then got shot in the back of the head by a racist white cop. Enough said.

Sentencing: When Micheal Vick was up for sentencing even though he had a plea deal the courts went for every enhancement they could get. RICO statues and all that. With the racist white cop, the jury found him guilty on tye enhancements and the judge threw it out. The enhancement they threw out? Using a gun while in the commission of the crime. Apparently according to the judge he didn’t. Even though he was SHOT with a GUN in the back of the head, with multiple videos all over the internet, he wasn’t shot and the GUN enhancement was thrown out.

So apparently dogs mean more to white people than black people. Good to know for future reference. Thanks white folks, for all you have done for the past 400 years for us.


Make-A-Movement Music & 80′s Babies

 

 

Tonight is the All-Black Party brought to you by Make-A-Move and 80′s Babies at the Funky Buddha Lounge. Well, I shouldn’t have to tell you, hopefully you can read the flyer. What you don’t know is that 80′s Babies throw and promote some of the best parties and club events in the city of Chicago. What else you don’t know is that the Make-A-Movement mixtape goes extra hard. Seriously. Don’t believe me,  here are the links for their first 2 singles off of their mixtape, “Make-A-Movement” Vol. 1.

 

The first single is “Hey Lil Mama” and the second is “All Black Everything”

Checks these songs out if you know what’s good for you.

 

As for me, I will be there at Funky Buddha, trying to get fat girls to buy me drinks, dissing black women who act too bougie, and trying to take home the uglist Asian chick in the building. See you there.

 


Funny S–t Fridays

Today’s first entry into Funny S–t Friday is an oldie and goodie. Now even though these are (usually) Youtube links, the ausio is usally (definitely) NSFW. So, with that being said, put on some d–n headphones.

This video is about the funniest thing on the web. Unforgivable has provided me with endless hours of entertainment and person memes. If you don’t see the humor the first time watching it, take the stick out of your ass and watch it a couple more times. It will get you, eventually.

This next one deals with Pokemon, and its one of those videos where words come out that you would never hear a human being speak. Enjoy.


Dumb White B—hes – 11/4/10

by Colin Miller

It’s no secret that women are dumb (Except for you, baby!…s–t, there goes another one), but here in Highland Park, Illinois, every day is like a journey into the mind of an autistic giraffe. For example, a particularly DWB sits behind me in my AP Psych class. The teacher was explaining how drugs cause your body to unnaturally release chemicals to make us feel a certain way, giving the example of how heroin floods your body with endorphins, which you then crave making the drug addictive. The DWB raised her hand, and in a voice like a jewish dolphin with a shoddy nose job asked:
“So, like, you feel good when you’re high, and then its, like, bad when you crash?”
Yes. It is, in fact, bad to not feel good. Dumb White B—h.

This same DWB had previously asked during an animation of fetal development, “Why does the baby only have one eye?” The video was the side view of the fetus. Dumb White B—h.

I can thank another teacher for giving me such sparkling gems of fecal wisdom as, “It’s not rocket scientry, guys,” and “The line where you write the money for the check is its legal tenure.” It’s like the former president himself is teaching the class. Dumb White B—h.

Stay tuned for more DWB updates next week, and be glad you don’t live here.
-CRYM


Election Day Story

The Tea Party was a bunch of racists who think black people (Obama) is all like

But the Democrats were too busy celebrating like

So the Republicans plotted to get the

and

and the Democrats were all concerned like

but their game plan was

and black people didn’t vote because they were too busy

so the Republicans won the House and feel like

and now the Democrats are all like

but most of the big Tea Party candidates lost so they feel like

and they told all the black people in the Senate to

and now black people are like

.

and the Tea Party would be happy but they are busy doing this

Since the Republicans run the House I just ask them one thing

TRUE STORY.


Who Says No to Weed?

I had a discussion with a woman who I know to be very intelligent and usually right, but on this issue she was so wrong. We argued and argued, and eventually she said this little nugget of wisdom:

“Fine we should legalize weed, then cocaine, then crack, then rapists, then murderers.”

I’m sad the say, but that was about the dumbest f–king thing I have heard in some hours. How do you equate weed=murder? Her argument stemmed from the fact that a colleague is paralyzed from an accident from being hit by a high driver. That’s sad, but driving under the influence of ANYTHING is against the law. Driving while sleepy is illegal too, so do you want to outlaw sleep? Can I not take a nap without being arrested? I mean, since you are so concerned about what I do with my body and all.

Get your ass up, you're under arrest.

Let me break down to YOU, the people who did vote or who would have voted NO on Prop 19, why you are for slavery and are retarded as s–t.

 

 

1)Weed wasn’t made illegal because it got you high

It was made illegal because some douchebag paper baron who owned a metric f–kton of forest had a monopoly on the paper business. He was getting paper, both literally and figuratively. Then here come these a–holes with hemp. They were making ropes, clothes, getting high, and most important to him, PAPER. On top of that hemp was easier to grow and press into paper. So this dude, using his political connections (by connections, I mean big ass sacks of money thrown at politicians) got them to pass a federal law making weed illegal. If this prick wasn’t so greedy, you could have turned in your homework, got an A on it, then smoked your grade on the way home.

He would have been so proud...and high...

 

 

2) It’s harmful

You know what else is harmful. Nicotine. Especially in tobacco. Cigarettes, for those who aren’t catching on.

Will fuck you up, yet somehow legal.

It causes cancer in about half the people who smoke them. Then when they are going through chemotherapy, which for those who don’t know, sucks massive balls. Your hair falls out, you feel drained all the time, and you can’t eat because you can’t keep any food down. You know what alleviates those symptoms though?

 

Hollywood O.G. cures f--king everything.

That’s right. Weed.

 

 

3) But what about car crashes?

Alcohol is more responsible for accidents and fatalities nationwide. Alchol is legal. Why don’t we ban that? Oh, that’s right, it was repealed because it failed miserably. Funny how people in the 1920′s, people who didn’t have TV, the internet, cell phones, blogs, computers, three-headed dildos,  and Roombas have more common sense than us.

I wonder if alcohol was involved?

 

4) But what about our morals?

our "supposed" morals...

 

First off, OUR morals? WE don’t have any d—n morals. You have yours, and I have mines. My morals stop where your body begins, and I would hope you felt the same way. This is what I mean by making weed illegal is the same thing as supporting slavery. You feel like your morals extend to what I can and cannot do with my own body. That’s what slavery is at is basis. Slavery is one man saying, “I know what should be done with your body and life better than you, and if you don’t agree, I will kill you”. It’s the same a criminalizing weed, except for slavery is total contol of moraals, while weed is just one specific area.

You want to criminalize something? Criminalize being fat. They are always in the d–n way, spilling over into my f–kin seat on flights, and generally a nuisance to everyone around with their heavy breathing, greasy sweat, and mild gravitational pull.

His own gravity field is crushing him.

So let’s have a vote on Prop 299+ for criminalizing fat people in public. Stay your ass at home and get a Wii Fit and a stairmaster and don’t come out until you look presentable.

Lock all these fat hoes up for life for this crime against humanity.

 


Mother Kills Baby Over Farmville

A Jacksonville mother charged with shaking her baby to death has pleaded guilty to second-degree murder.

Alexandra V. Tobias, 22, was arrested after the January death of 3-month-old Dylan Lee Edmondson. She told investigators she became angry because the baby was crying while she was playing a computer game called FarmVille on the Facebook social-networking website.

Tobias told investigators that she shook the baby, smoked a cigarette to compose herself and then shook him again. She said the baby may have hit his head during the shaking.

 

Farmville is not that good of a god—n game. Seriously. It’s not. Plus if you got that much time on your hands to play Farmville all d–n day, you probably have a whole host of other issues wrong with your life. Makes me wonder why she couldn’t apply that drive to getting a job or not smoking around your baby. I may rag on black single mothers a lot, but I have never heard of any of these hoodrat baby mamas say, “man if that little bad ass boy f–ks up my Farmvill harvest I’m gonna shake the s–t out of him.”

Plus she had a cigarette to calm down and went back in to shake the shit out of him again. As an avid cigarette smoker (yes I restarted, because why the f–k not) I know when something makes me mad to the point of whipping the s–t out of someone, a Newport has always defused the situation. Hell if I see someone walking around pissed off, I offer them a smoke, because shit, it works.

 

This white girl just might have been batshit crazy.

 

Welcome to the South.

 

Farmville: Serious f--king business.

 

 

 


I Don’t Vote

Yep. Served 5 years in the military and I don’t vote. Never have and probably never will if society continues on the path it has been. Why should I vote? You tell me? For that positive feeling that you get when you feel you have made a difference by picking one bowl of shit over another? I mean, they are all bowls of shit, it’s just whose smell can you tolerate better. Here’s a better idea. How about no bowls of shit for candidates? That’s when I will start voting. If you need more reasons why I won’t vote, here go some more:

How I spend Election Day

 

 

1)Attack Ads

...and make me delicious McRibs.

We all see them on every channel like 5011 times a day. We hear them on every radio staion like eleventy-billion times an hour. They all go along the lines of:

“Don’t vote for my opposition, he’s a douchebag who rapes baby llamas in his free time,”

the other guy’s attack ad says:

“That guy who says I rape baby llamas? well he’s a part of a hate group that uses little black babies as footballs and kicks them through the goalposts on the weekend. And he’s GAY!!!!”

So if I were to go to the voting booth and see both of their names, what am I to do? I mean, I’m damn sure not cool with baby llama rape, and I don’t think I’m okay with using little babies to kick field goals, though that would be hilarious in its own special way. Also what the fuck does being gay have to do with anything. I mean, he’s Republican, so it’s pretty obvious. So you tell me, what’s the point of voting when both candidates suck monkey balls?

 

 

2)Republicans are Racist



Gotta love Texas math.

Sorry, but every Republican is racist until the either a) denounce the Tea Party completely, which is basically the KKK without the burning crosses or sheets, or b) start giving a shit about minorities.

“B-b-but the leader of the National Republican Party is Michael Steele! He’s black!”

Yeah, and the absolute ONLY reason why he is in the position is because Obama l=got elected. It’s like that subtly racist white guy who gets called out so his fall back response is, “I’m not racist! I have black friends! See!” Michael Steele, ladies and gentlemen, is that black friend. On top of that, he is incompetent as shit, which gives the Tea Party more evidence to back up their racist beliefs that black people suck.

 

 

3) People usually vote in the opposite of their interests

Wait...what?

Yep. Look at the Tea Party. They are a bunch of middle-class white people who have had their inner racist exploited by corporations to to vote against the very change they seek. The want a reduced deficit? Obama has done that. Health care coverage? Obama has done that too. Stopped the recession before it got into a full-blown depression? Count it. Yet, these racist assholes vote for the same politicians that want to take everything away that has helped them, and why?

Because a black man did it and will get credit for it.

That’s why.

Asteroids: Clearly the black man's fault.

 

 

4) The Democrats are Punks

Sad but true

They are. How do you control both the House AND the goddamn Senate and struggle to get shit done? You had the majorities to pass anything you wanted in both, and yet all the infighting caused us to not get shit done. When the Republicans run shit, there is no infighting. They get shit passed, regardless of how shitty it is. If the party wants it, the shit gets through because at the end of the day, they are Republican and that’s who they stick to. Democrats? Nope. The rather bicker over silly shit and not get shit passed, and then instead of telling the world “The Republicans don’t give a fuck about you America” every time a bill fails, they are silent, while the Republicans bash the shit out of the Democrats about how ineffective they are, when THEY are the reason the Democrats can’t get shit done.

Fuckin punks.

 

 

5) Batshit Crazy Candidates

No caption needed.

Sharon Angle is batshit crazy. Christine O’Donnell? Batshit crazy. Kendrick Meeks? Batshit crazy. Michele Bachmann? Batshit crazy. That’s just the high-profile ones. Now I’m insane, but I have common sense. Most politicians have none. They are greedy asshole that like power. People that seek power over others are sociopaths, and why the hell would I vote for one? The government is composed of people who want to tell other people what they can and cannot do to themselves when it doesn’t affect anyone else. People who would like that kind of job are batshit crazy.

On top of that, they have the nerve to complain about it. These people make over 100k a year easy. Easy. Not to mention all the little “perks” they get from special interest groups that buy their votes on certain issues. These same people have the fucking nerve to come on TV and complain that they don’t want to read a bill because it’s 2000 pages long? Bitch, my tax dollars pay you, so you better read that damn bill. I read that much in about 2 weeks in my pree time, not counting the amount of reading I do at work. Shit that shit up. PLUS they have people that they can pay to read it for them and summarize it for them. That’s politics for you.

So while you all are out making a “difference” I will save my gas, time, and energy, and sit my black ass at home. If I do feel the sudden urge to vote, I will write-in Billy Dee Williams, because at least if he wins and fucks up, he’s at least going to sound good doing it.

Plus he was the only black guy in the Star Wars galaxy.

Change I can believe in.


White People Need Fear

After reading this story, I wonder what the hell would possess a person to see a train coming, a train which weighs about 100,000 fucking tons, and go, “yeah this would be a peachy keen time to walk across the tracks. Yeah I know the warning gate is down and the lights are flashing, and the train is like 12 feet away, but fuck it, why not?” I then realized the white people have no natural fear whatsoever. They don’t have to worry about the police whipping their ass at random, about drive-bys, gang fights, none of that. Just the occasional meth lab blowing up or priest touching their penis after service. Besides that, no fear.

Noting to fear here...move along...

Seriously. I can’t count how many times I’m driving anywhere and I see white people just stroll across busy intersections like they are superheroes or some shit. White people don’t have fear so they have to go bungee jumping or skydiving or in the Amazon fucking looking for the deadliest snakes or get stabbed in the chest by stingrays. It’s ridiculous. It stems from white privilege. Now I’m not a man who likes to complain, I’m a man of solutions, so here’s some ideas I have been kicking around.

I bet he wishes he had some natural fear now...

Assign a black person to randomly fuck with you. Once a year they just show up randomly and fuck something of yours up in front of you. Twice a year they chase you down the street, four times a year they slap you in the back of the head, and once a month they give you a harassing phone call or slash your tires while you are at the mall. They won’t tell you when they are coming or what time this happens. It just will. You know it and they know. It’s unpredictable as the police shooting a black man for his wallet. It’s fear.

A-a-anyone seen an angry black man around?

For the kids we can stage mock drive-bys where a gang of people drive by firing blanks at the kids while they wait for the school bus. That’ll put a fire in their ass,  some shit in their underwear, and most importantly, fear in their hearts.

Carpool shows up promptly at 7:15 am

For all the people who like to  get their Starbucks fix in the morning, there will be a black guy that stands right by the door, and once a day he will pick someone at random as they are trying to leave and smack their coffee out their hand. Not only is that hilarious for me, but it serves its purpose.

Ice Cube will run the slap-yo-shit department

Also a really good idea is to have a random just slap the living fuck out of your hood while you are at a stop light. That will make you nervous for at LEAST the next hour, I promise you.

Oh, and every time some wanna-be rebel activist yells at the police, they automatically have the right to whip their legs like Rick James.

You know the consequences of this...

These are my solutions. If you have any others feel free to put them in the comments below.

This is plan B...


Twilight- The Disposable Sex Toy of Literature

Guest blog written by Colin “Jewish Eminem” Miller

I was talking to some girl in one of my classes the other day, and she mentioned Twilight. I immediately responded appropriately with, “Twilight should not be sold as a book, it should be sold as a dildo. Same purpose, fewer trees used.” At the time, I thought this was the cleverest shit I had thought of all day. It was only when I got to thinking about it that I discovered the real truth of the statement. Here is my reasoning (be warned, the comparisons are frighteningly accurate).

Can be inserted orally or vaginally.

1. Both Twilight and dildos (dildoes?) are used to sexually stimulate women and gay men.

Now hear me out, this may be the most obvious point I have to offer, but it comes down to sheer physical logistics. The average woman or sodomite (probably) cannot fit an entire book into his or her body through the orifice of choice in one piece. Additionally, I would imagine it is quite a feat to finger one’s self while turning pages and attempting to process written language. I know that when I’m playing a solo on the ol’ skin flute, I don’t much feel like reading, although if anyone can read Twilight without vomiting, they are clearly a stronger person than I.

and he ain't fuckin none of his fans...

2. Neither Twilight nor your average dildo (with the exception of the rare and widely illegal “Charles 16-inch DICK-ens” model) has any literary value.

You caught me. I have never read Twilight. I do not plan to simply for the sake of validating my opinion, so you can chastise me for uncited evidence. However, I’m going to venture a guess that the average Twilight fan is either unfamiliar with proper analytic or expository writing standards OR too busy greasing themselves up and watching New Moon with a Jacob poster and a pint of Rocky Road ice cream to argue. Disregarding my lack of firsthand knowledge, I understand that it is a novel of poor quality, by all means. It is the story of a pale, sparkly pedophile who becomes obsessed with a marginally attractive teenager (about a 6, maybe a 7 on a good day) and asshattery ensues. I think there’s something in there about a vaguely ethnic werewolf wanting to have sex with a baby produced by the vamp and the dumb bitch, but I really hope I’m mistaken. I don’t think I am.

Seriously...who gives a fuck?

3. Both Twilight and dildos are used by those unable to actually get laid.

From what I have observed in malls, airports, etc., Twilight fans are mainly pre-teen girls who have recently discovered their clitori (plural of clitoris?) and their obese, chain smoking mothers. This section is rather self-explanatory, although I would like to add that Twilight has done an impeccable job of concocting two characters that are guaranteed to wet any dumb white girl’s whistle by generating the image of the two perfect men. It’s basically porn without pictures. The worst part is that some girls actually believe there are men like Edward Cullen, and are disappointed and angry to find out otherwise. I hate to be the one to break this to all you bitches, but any man with any semblance to Stephanie Myers’ characters is either a raging homosexual or taken by someone much hotter than you or Kristen Stewart, for that matter.

MILK's: Moms I'd Like to Kick

Hope you enjoyed that breakdown of why Twilight should be recycled into toilet paper immediately and redesigned as a firm but yielding false penis.

-CRYM


Shaq in a Damn Dress…

Now, I’m a pretty tolerant person, as I know I am prone to say and do some wildly inappropriate shit on a regular basis, but, sometimes, a line in the sand has to be drawn.

Now I know you got millions of dollars, get money, cheated on your ex-wife faked fouls, can’t shoot a free throw, but all that, I can forgive, and some of that is pretty damn funny. Seriously though, a damn dress? Some things are inappropriate regardless of what day of the year it is. Your big ass in a dress is one of them. Tyler Perry in a dress is another (yeah, fuck you and his stupid ass movies and shows).

Plus you were singing? No wonder LeBron didn’t want to play with your ass anymore. You probably tried to get down on some funny business in the locker room.

God.

Damn.

Shame.


Not Everyone Needs A Twitter

Some people just don’t need a Twitter. Or to be on Facebook, or pretty much any social media. Why? You are a fucking embarrassment. Seriously. You are not only an embarrassment to yourself, but to your family, friends, and pretty much anyone associated with you in any minute way. No one wants to constantly hear how much weed you smoke, nor do they want to hear how your baby daddy ain’t shit. I don’t care about who Kat Stacks got jumped by this time, or about Justin Beiber speeding away on a Segway from a group of pre-teen fat chicks. I don’t. Some things are better kept to your fucking self. For example:

Your Baby Daddy/Baby Mama

They weren’t shit when you met them. They weren’t shit when you were fucking them. They weren’t shit after the baby, and they aren’t shit now. We get it. But do you get that you are telling the world that you like ain’t shit people? You have just broadcasted to the whole world, “If you have nothing going for yourself, I will sleep with you.” Especially women. Women, some of yall are pretty good at hiding the fact that you ain’t shit, mainly because as soon as he might suspect you ain’t, its nothing like a great blowjob to chase that thought away. Dudes that ain’t shit, are easy to spot from a mile away. So when he first saw you and yelled “Ay yo! Girl in the jeans!” that should have been your first clue. When you met him he had more kids than jobs in his lifetime? Another clue. Plus remember the old saying, “Birds of a feather flock together.” Also, since he/she ain’t shit, you kid is half-ain’t shit, and is probably whole by the way you carry on online.

Every track is a woman bitching about how he ain't shit.

 

Going To Jail

So you just gonna get on the internet and tell everyone you are going to jail huh? You just gonna put yourself out there to tell everyone, “I ain’t shit” huh? That’s what’s hot on the streets now? If you are going to go to jail, and its for a short-term, around 2 weeks to a month, tell everyone that you are going on vacation or out the country. No need to plant the seed in everyone’s mind that you are going to be taking showers with men and might become Big Bubba’s bitch for the next few weeks.

Accept his friend request or he will poke you.

Smoking Weed

Look, a shitload of people smoke weed. Believe me, it’s a lot. Not everyone talks about it openly for the world to see. You know why? It’s fucking illegal. If you haven’t noticed, out country, our states, and out local city governments are broke, and they are trying to come up with money any way that they can. The local police I assure you has an online presence, and if you think they are above looking at your twitter or Facebook  and taking the pictures you posted of you smoking weed, and just arresting your ass, you are sadly mistaken. Oh and then they will take your weed, your money, and take pictures with it themselves and put it up on THEIR Facebook.

 

How Drunk You Are

Now, even my black ass is guilty of this, but I know I shouldn’t be doing it. If you haven’t noticed, people say and do dumb and random ass things when they are drunk, and people tend to not give a shit about the things they say on the internet, so these two things together are a recipe for disaster. Also, if your friends are assholes and they are drunk too, you definitely want to watch your ass as pictures of your throwing up on the toilet while taking a shit in some Uggs will show up on your news feed.

She's a multi-tasker.

Keep this shit off my timeline and my news feed. Actually don’t. I need things to write about, so more material is always helpful. Just know, just because I’m friends with you or follow you, doesn’t mean I like you. Odds are I’m just doing it to laugh at your dumb ass.


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